[Nettime-bold] Sermon to the Republicans

[katie@imt.net]

11/17/00 fr 2:12 pm mst

SERMON TO THE REPUBLICANS

This preaching to the choir is fine, but at some point you must go and
witness to the heathern.

I was thinking this would be my first sermon to them:

Jerry Springer holding the mik:

Folks, as you know this is the final elimination round for the grand prize
of one full week of nightly appearances on my show, and 4 full years as
President of  the United States.

These are the rules, I will ask two questions.  After the first question
the candidate who believes he can win the audience vote pushes the buzzer,
and he will stand up for the clapometer vote on the question.  If he
registers 50% of audience clap, he moves directly on to the final
elimination question, also tallied by audience clapometer:

This is the first question, (Jerry pans slowly and dramatically to all
three candidates, GusherOil, Bore&Bully, and
FightingMonkNaderTheCorporateImpaler):

"Which of you three contestants can provide our audience with the most
convoluted and astonishing whitetrash soap-opera for four straight years?"

GoofyGush hits that buzzer as fast as he tossed back a flute of champagne
at a wedding reception, 8 years after he had gone completely, Praise The
Lord, sober.

Smiling Jerry:  "Well, Gush, you seem to think you will have the votes.
Please stand out here in front of the audience so they can take a good look
at your scrawny neck and bandy legs, and flaming facial boils.  Well folks,
isn't he *just* the picture of whitetrash?

AUDIENCE GOES WILD, CLAPOMETER TALLIES IN THE HIGH FORTIETH PERCENTILE FOR
3 SECONDS AND STARTS TO WAVER, BUT THEN CHRIS "MEGAPHONE" MATTHEWS(MSNBC),
DAVE "VANITY IS MY MIDDLE NAME" O'REILLY(FOX), OLLIE "I KNOW WHAT IS BEST
FOR MY COUNTRY BECAUSE I AM A CONSECRATED BOY SCOUT, EVEN IF MY ACTS ARE
TREASON" NORTH (MSNBC), ALL THREE START TO CLAP AND CHEER WILDLY, DRIVING
THE AUDIENCE INTO AN ENTHUSIASTIC FRENZY, AND THE CLAPOMETER TOUCHES 50%
FOR EXACTLY ONE SECOND

Jerry jumps in: OK folks seems like we have a winner in round one, now on
to the elimination round.  Please remain standing where you are Mr. Gusher,
but you might want to turn a little to the right so that the audience
cannot see your erupting facial boils so clearly because this has been
ruled an unfair advantage over the other two candidates.

Jerry:  OK audience you be the judge.  Do 50% of you believe that this
contestant is the laziest, scardiest, stupidest, and losingest major party
presidential candidate in the last half century, or in the memory of anyone
alive?  Is he the man most fit to be our national leader?  DO YOU LOVE HIM?

AUDIENCE GOES WILD, STOMPING CHEERING, STANDING ON THEIR CHAIRS, THROWING
POCKET CHANGE ON THE STAGE, CHANTING "GUSHER FOR PUPPET, GUSHER FOR PUPPET,
LONG LIVE THE PUPPET."

Jerry smiles broadly and beneficently at the audience.  The waving winner,
our new President, is wearing a facial expression which has never before
been seen on a homosapien, but it is quickly interpreted for us by Jerry's
staff primatologist who recognizes it as the chimpanzee facial display for
'NOW YOU CAN ALL PICK MY FLEAS'.

Jerry allows the audience applause and whistles to die down:

Folks, you have picked yourself a whitetrash winner, and he sure is a good
one.  Stay tuned, folks, don't touch that dial.  After a brief break, we
will be back with our first show of the week---a screaming and shoving
contest between Gusher and Mrs. Gusher and another authentic
keeping-up-appearances southern whitetrash republican couple who will
decide by amount of hair actually pulled out, whether Mrs. Gusher's teenage
drunken homicide of her boyfriend while playing redlight chicken, is the
most astonishing whitetrash soap-opera story on the stage tonight.

Fade out to network promo preview of upcoming live wrestling spectacular,
which follows immediately after the Jerry Springer show.


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