<nettime> Fwd: Revocation of Independence

[Phil Graham <phil.graham@mailbox.uq.edu.au>]

I received this today. I thought I should reproduce it in full because it's 
a wonderful example of something or other.
regards to all,
Phil

*****

Hi!
I go to school at Scripps College in Claremont, CA, USA. Your "Notice of 
Revocation of Independence" was circulated throughout our school via e-mail 
and I forwarded it to a friend going to school in Chicago, who in turn 
circulated it throughout his own class. Someone has written the following 
response. I don't know if they are serious or not, but they asked me to 
send it to the originator. I'm hopping that's you, if it's not, could you 
pass it on?

Thanks a lot.
Irene Frank

PS: I thought it was hilarious, and if this person is serious, that they 
are a close minded SOB, but that's beside the point.

****

Just in case you have been deluged with copies of that damn 'revocation of 
American independence' e-mail during the elongated and 
beginningtobecomeabitofabore presidential contest, I thought I'd send along 
an American rebuttal.
jc

To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting 
for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As 
always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world 
power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right- o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.

On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new 
policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have 
little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to 
continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems 
that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by 
the majority of
the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a 
series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't 
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your 
"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name 
"aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name 
evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. 
In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling 
and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the 
process of actually producing aluminum was developed
by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to 
thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting 
collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original 
edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. 
William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll 
talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 
2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. 
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, 
and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also 
heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year 
doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty 
well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title 
whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has 
an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania 
ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The 
Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United 
States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. 
United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 
2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your 
fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'Vinegar 
chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your 
country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are 
soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize 
the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is 
that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, 
it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a 
car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. 
That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap 
operas.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Opinions expressed in this email are my own unless otherwise stated.
If you have received this in error, please ignore it.
Phil Graham, Graduate School of Management
University of Queensland
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