<nettime> my life collapsed

[Alan Sondheim <sondheim@panix.com>]

this was culled/scraped from http://www.asondheim.org/biog.txt
i have been working on an autobiography stemming from a simple perl 
program
#!/usr/local/bin/perl -w
# biography
$| = 1; 
`cp .bio .bio.old`;
print "Would you like to add to bio information? If so, type y.\n";
chop($str=<STDIN>);
if ($str eq "y") {print "Begin with date.\n";
print "Write single line, use ^d to end.\n";
open(APPEND, ">> .bio");
@text=<STDIN>;
print APPEND @text;
close APPEND;}
`sort -o .bio .bio`;
exit(0);
that gave me the opportunity for sorting and organizing memories; the
program was then abandoned as the entries were flushed out; the prog-
ram was then re-employed for new memories, and so forth. the result is
unique among autobiogs, as is the entangled compression below:



my life collapsed

1942 how was i possible when 1943 did not ask to be born there no atomic
hydrogen bomb television still prenetwork computers were partial dreams
the idea of distributed community inconceivable world iron and nightmare
are early screen memories being carried on a medical gurney past rows
medication bottles lighting fluorescent nurse pushing cart remember
everything from position behind her walls tiled think some light beige
yellow coloration 19431997 have had my faults less them now but
nonetheless i've read about difference between remorse regret latter
covers acts former state out one's control it's that haunts me over other
hand violence denigration fills anyone who is sensitive it with we
watching planet turn towards slaughter disease extinction torture tomb
1948 or thereabouts remembering crying in car mother worried if she kept
kissing she'd run kisses already frightened gathering security comfort
where could this very memory oddly sitting back seat reaching front road
ahead invisible 1950 all through childhood take weekly saturday allergy
shots terrified arm would swell up like molten hive hives as well hair
camp once huge swollen lip chewing plant stem grotesque an antique
microscope doctor dattner home practitioner family friend given small film
projector crank side crinkled black translucent window for viewing
animated cartoons work has stemmed magic reminds last bergman you saw
images sense beyond may been playing blocks two sets german one artificial
stone cut into basic shapes died pastel english wooden architectural
elements many which painted these worlds along stuff cocker spaniel
believe always tried sink maternal imaginary repeatedly expelled 1952
really don't date wonder love theresa worked went asylum vague dates
blanked golden kind melting later appeared different names writing might
associate magdalen wonderful british tricycle large wheels red wagon
sidewalk house tree backyard dominates what yard doesn't pine right since
down pogo stick pair stilts perhaps receiving monthly things science blue
cardboard box label transistors miniature vacuum tubes experiments real
toys designed sent premise promise around year moved reynolds street ford
avenue friendly brennans any more used fight serrated pieces wood
screendoor tear moving new originally set do fishtank angelfish example
parents bridge loebs somehow name 'raub' also comes father yell at
everyone during game wake time he caught reading under confused odd
obdurate nature particular permanence loss history present only even
document must what's reconstructed here synchronous shifted slightly
diachrony 1955 operation ears pinned traumatic hideous novacaine didn't
remain local 70 injections ended screaming felt deformed cutting flesh
sound trauma stayed entire life feel fragility organized power grid type
constant basis nothing leaves alone something john kulp colp book knife
see sunlit room students young floor earlier kindergarten 1956 heard elvis
loved word fuck someone showed elvis' picture paper then again miserable
leon asking why underdog bunk because deserve replied bow arrow swimming
than mile laps emerged head dave schell's wife giving hot drink favored
water much own mckenzies clancy al counselors brought their keelless canoe
day storm jacket oar sail come quickly shore brunonia lake pleasant near
casco watched masturbate thrilled homoero tic genitallycentered
masturbated bleachers forget his same close others unforgiving record
bouncing pingpong ball paddle while campers leaving him beginning
voyeurism exhibitionism circuit completed ceaselessly shower bathtub sperm
stuck everywhere associated masturbation urination retaining urine
spurting both myself ecstatically sooner abandoned i'd lie legs spread etc
195660 cried sleep bed table keep list best friends so surprise sort
obscene proxy softness unpainted 19568 joined american forestry
association similar trees flitted another couldn't identify runic alphabet
1958 johnny uhl walking late night threw neon inn sign fell smashed glass
tell never scared too coward wyoming 1959 probably junior white dances
seminary hopelessly platt townend yes dancing breathless letting go fly
across wanted danced pity blond hope episcopalian reason dar long line
laura june beth way am afraid dying wanting die fall asleep dreaming
margaret hall saving desperately they'd toward care eternal devotion tears
pillow sentiment say after wrote antigerman poem met corner castigated
bring dead buried somewhere found birth magazine tuli kupferberg he'd
published anais nin's diaries girl looked treasured those moments ed
sanders gaslight maybe monk point just thought noise knew lightning
hopkins thing yusef lateef copenhagan horn player dewdrop hypos door joel
us hearing 1960 ann welsh walsh first girlfriend succeed impotent until 24
completely hysteric insecure finally broke yelling break fear touch
contamination body by happened terrible written poems beauty apart wasn't
cleanliness unclean towel dirty bedroom kingston barely made senior prom
cheri kanjorski sp hated don evans' afterwords lights off secret
sexualities going jealous despair get dance waterskiing boat swung dock
hit face serious wound flunked semester brown collapsing learned hold give
faculty they hating worst class composition buck system asked write
footnotes oneline rest limits decent salem witch trials anne's breast sick
grandmother's behave yelled breaking each other's arms working settlement
east harlem arranged thinking exactly sickness hallucinatory constitutes
situation horrified volunteered army tests checking reflex times came
extremely high basement catch people faking deafness living pete 125th ran
frontal lobotomies literally starving death unknown diseases woman weigh
least ton unable move apartments broken toilets feces evil landlords decay
buildings dream spanish countesses dressed incredible kids surviving midst
israel summer largely jerusalem almost became religious meandered country
mea shearim blur driven mix trip 1962 says great deal context desert
waking morning disappeared can fictionally reconstitute they're
meaningless you'd successful period attested psychic experience patti
rogers kill herself syracuse suddenly pembroke realized call calmed
hysterical hadn't spoken months called main dorm took straitjacketed
hospital corrobrated decades threesome consummated marriage testi fied
against divorce although actually court procedure visiting york city
married chile suicidal cockroaches hiding clock tenement apartment
remarried else severe rheumatoid arthritis christian fundamentalist ago
farm village left joked force husband jesus conversion relieved jew isn't
blasted received nuremberg report started clear star david chalked wall
moment panic realizing today 2006 tour judea propaganda 15 years holocaust
thinkg straight depressions continue let assert randomly accounts anything
physically weak smart unfocused touched rarely seeing germs seemed change
towels every bathed closed within sheep case forever seem chemical
transformation surplus wards sleeplessness exacerbates does continued
poverty university ia richards gave talk school pushed shortly sheaf
course said future taken next mailbox annotated comment talent enough
legitimation colin wilson spoke fuss surrounding dorms matter beginnings
obscure bounced existence making better highschool misery roughly
approaching dormitory got should admitted uncle helped grades erratic
freshman mixer walked saying negro mess fast 19601997 sleeping insomnia
goads days can't lowered temperature accompanied horrific feelings
submergence fuzziness fully awake there's imbalance tending depression
states remarkably flu function signals misplacement react suffering 1961
disaster dean pull fought antisemitic put pig's nose jewish belonged
traditional 19611962 second roommates spent toothpicks log tormented
horrible know doing escape hell roomate built transistor radios without
cases wires falling onto curtains belong roomates victimized fumbling
student risd incredibly erect ecstatic events surely before hardly began
guitar blues abroad jaundice played fake fingers alive leroi jones amiri
baraka campus turned created quite stir stand complacency hebrew bus
scooter lambretta drive useless equipment ham radio gear wn3drp kid novice
license contact away use transitive among physicalreal disappear factory
open middle machine identified cannon wheel end valley its turret
revolving ever low building wide seen flowers trimmed grass enormous
furious beat townies covered blood looking mine hoping scare idiot guard
insisted bent pretty keith waldrop fondness larry goldstein teachers
forgotten thesis advisor edwin honig old age want happens rumor negev
distance facility intended development production nuclear weapons surreal
stones sabras intent eliminatnig attempting sholem aleichem land jews
israeli spy action egypt heavy hail unexpected size golfballs grandfather
cat returned told 1953 result accident funeral grand i'm feeling breakfast
changed encapsulated temple facing member managed shot absurdly safe galil
witnessing battle israelis syrians un condemned attack safed kabbalah
introduced wittgenstein tractatus logicophilosophicus remained favorites
continues haunt final sentence far often scaffolding account roommate
textile [and fragment missing lost software hardware leave poised brink
on] 19621963 mainly overdose opium wonders fox omens following studied
tools stekelis bible story joseph nachamah leibowitz relatively bad poetry
blown happening reply sometimes listen coded messages traveled mousterian
cave droned olduvai trench person human 1966 europe zabor drummer group
borstal dover drugs 1967 your saved pills vitamins *** speak repressive
climate entry removed sexuality virginity tragedy revelation full secrets
songs released fellows piece words tired sprechstimme 1969 libretto
19671968 three records esp independent greg johnson flute esps review
penguin encyclopedia jazz above vindicated riverboat done slightest
original opinion 19671970 anarchy madness setting elsewhere destruction
good doomed cowardly cross conservative secretly 1968 bought ibm selectric
electric typewriter anode jerry joe dallas 1997 worn crazy t'other little
tune music philosophy divorced alimony decided lawyers ready weren't we'd
waldrops editing ppress handprinted acconci benedikt monotype aesthetics
problematic easy create beautiful style meaning design art distrac tions
ai mit weyl wiener ignored poststructuralism discovered ravenous waldrops'
burning deck press providence ma experimental socalled cover publication
however slight lived minneapolis poor area asphalt heat tornado warnings
tornados cellar roared overhead slammed driver muttering himself wedding
father's antisemitism removal hopefully series cannot onself certainly
meant nh silence constantly grapple vito our dismallycathected
relationship talked swapping women gone sensed wrong wondered cathecting
sexual mutual genius ones acker laurie anderson ionosphere mentioned
artist aram saroyan purity angered bernadette mayer appears occasion
emphasis tough historical important buy constitutionally opposed skittered
cultural landscapes edge 197071 proceedings protest awful instead heel lot
acid whether chemistry talking green lime notorious commune stopped paying
rent figured illegally owned switched sparked filled shit literal plumbing
charlie quicklime heating starting taking ceilings fuel burn loudspeakers
ten foot poles elmgrove rosmarie bit rental $500 sum isolated macrobiotic
restaurant usual lousy lover tracks quotation marks please locked trying
unsuccessfully orgasm simultaneously obsession veering level difficult
recognize true closer able bringing descent mumbling 1972 beth's diets
carrots tips toes nipples orange vinegar diet lasted 1973 paris biennale
world's smallest sculpture scanning electron based assassination president
nixon diagrams relating general structure french usia articles rosemarie
fame stable artistically teetering fact few recommender 19731974 month
voyeur empty longer subway block dizzying meet artists recollection sure
london ian murray barbara reise afternoons bohm discussing quantum reality
part manuscript implicate order critic concerned primarily greenburg
conceptual source conversations dominate flat camdentown kentishtown
alcoholic apparently decaying driving hitting major influence terms flower
ornament sutra breadth knowledgeperson ality wilkesbarre camera birkbeck
college inside recovered wouldn't happen america 1974 rosemary loft
yourself drawings obsessed drawing backside angry isenheim altarpiece
munich together paid individuals postmovement edited $4000 advance $2000
plus commission visited diary expected rat fucking notion greenwich below
trade center undergoing construction architects' maproom blueprints
downstairs chess bored abstract expressionist anne lectured place ucsd cal
arts kathy yale wesleyan parted dubious allison tape reactions strong st
audience wept laughed depended responder followed suit emotional san diego
raised money make considered virtual introjection projection sexually
explicit emily cheng feels trapped loving 16th 17th eat landing suicidally
inverse mood seems eiaj reels decayed logic consciousness military defense
tina weymouth fourteen stations presented mark's church influenced suites
figure ackersondheim tapes affair chris franz opening afterwards shaken
wished cockroach knowledge mary boone slept coldness furniture sculptural
remarkable gallerist representing friends' works warned pest dara birnbaum
desire stop speaking cared 1975 onthebowery borrowed videocamera aimed
image burned replace tube hung perfect bob bielecki hear teaches bard
meshed performances astonishing begin ning 800 multi media homegrown
tension storytelling most intense experiences revolution sorts soho
company performed quietly sullen

 standing ovationssplit vowing somewhat damaging worship affected thick
exciting forward teeter ing awkwardly 1976 ellen nova scotia taught nscad
askevold robin collyer shirley witasaalo hazen northern ellesmere island
raise funds peggy's cove winter drowned amidst sea ice icecovered rocks
invitation vladivostok using container port backdrop madonna 19761977 text
composed hysteria information network theory annihilation codeparticles
printed halifax williams editions parts surface article c model networking
threshold logics attempted construct succeeded tradeoffs formalisms
phenomenologies descriptions models excite demands rereading interpreter
1977 aliens comprehended reminiscent fantasizing salvaging planets desires
beings superior weeds generalists hartford salle robert cummings rita
meyer marcia dalby answer meeting learn culture forth replying alan that's
politics become 80s issuing contin ued squirrellike joanna totally
unprepared everyone's immediately handle babysitter tensions irvine train
haven horvitz calls conductor rushed traveling missed itself worthless
throughout veered arrogance self loathing tamara bowers rewarding anal sex
eyes having tasmania telling masturbating turning running failing return
destroyed mean sorrow whitney shows agree mention show $2000$3000 widened
total collapse validation letter unemployment mutilated painful 19771997
gets older relate indication failings honest younger keeping disturbing
1978 hayes erotic decade garden sunlight bright pennsylvania breasts
intensity 19781979 california commuting montreal teach concordia ottawa
1980 involved saner relationships characterized extremes exhaustion wear
generation remembered sexism mild deceit coalesce 37 quebecois referendum
nicole brossard feminin ecriture hubert acquin resonated 19801982 ucla
departments sungja lee rossiter mistreated badly accusing 1982 queenstown
eastern killed traffic pulled punks half returning ritch resign drank
closest nervous breakdown belgian hairdresser outskirts town cabinets
gives whatever look 1983 curatorial nexus contemporary atlanta drunk
openingfunction attend putting freaks 198385 teaching ontario staying
amherst border depressed curatorship 1984 exhibition cost $800 salonstyle
alternative shown 19856 paul celan's elegy related pure milk skin retain
afterthought afterbirth 198587 texas corrigan's multidisciplinary program
arrived eleven denise 1986 punkindustrial musicians damaged week voice
replaced singer 1987 tied urinated drew cunt asshole prick transported
sucked tampax counterpoint sore forehead disagreed frustrated mad
devouring ourselves 1988 treated nancy threatened shellie fleming curator
hallwalls upon weeks psychosis behaved artistic director hallways job
undefined arguments tebes executive april resigned directorship artcenter
buffalo 1989 hounded sided silent western north carolina spring start
happy i'll she's civic we're nowhere neurotic messmass picks highway
desperate avoid curtis vth exhausted energy wasted 198991 anywhere
fighting silences trips hours video audio chattanooga society fit
relatives suggested absolute mouth shut hate closures generally boy nice
neighborhood barking dogs religion descendent tennessee's governor
potentially frances van scoy vel west virginia correct 1991 reissued cds
zyx contract bernard bernie stollman revamped available led renewed career
musicsoundwork 1992 committed truck pulling expression stunned hour 1993
internet xt post derrida michael current recommendation frost advertising
papers issue fiftieth birthday cake live givena miracle pretend 'warmth'
cyberrelationship grad toronto keep's postmodern cyberfucking ns library
depressing 1996 november attended cybermind96 conference perth australia
keynote speaker participated number panels murdoch kim antonio jason summa
sydney begins treat possibly shouldn't generalize agrees differences wasis
shaky mike gurstein pilot projects wiring province natalie macmaster
autobiography ordered #usrlocalbinperl w # biography $| = 1 `cp bio
bioold` print add yn chop$str=<stdin> $str eq y {print daten single ^d
endn openappend >> @text=<stdin> append @text append} `sort o bio` exit0
enter alphabetically lines sections lose dictionary symptomology launch
party doctress neutopia photographs net web site round dealing wider range
issues grassroots apologized friendship existed seventies 477 chiyo
hakataku fukuokashi 812 japn 81926336048 attempt reduce clarify strands
incomprehensible life's gnarled sinew rhizomatic owe january 722 ccen
economic visavis listened lisa macarthur play strathspeys freighters
kristin's jason's comparative emptiness brother mark joins lexie four
coast oregon nyc lunch ny fukuoka hard 2 try understand will seattle
travel victoria brother's join stromatolites cyanobacteria tendrils carton
ted byfield version jennifer rewrote saul ostrow z coda denouement jargon
peripheral asides bodies poorly haven't grown endure stories za
transitional condemn further corners navigate custom 1998 30 jobless
crashlanded august september hopeless thanks jon marshall's help christine
tamblyn kyoto feb 20march 20 kangaroos wallabies bush lexie's 'culling' ie
killing azure carter huntington beach amatory correspondence 215 southern
dec mla conf sf corresponding soon potes poets revised online canberra phd
ideas 'sms' develop nikuko 1999 airport 5 waiting arrive tom leslie
responsibility jersey stabilize appointed writerinresidence
nottinghamtrent england february 2000 cheryl ito dies 2nd trace intervent
bulletin boards racking repllies comments obligation participate rang
changes nottingham trent headed sue thomas several deliberately format
19992000 hinge recroded traceroute sources contributed amount data y2k
problem exist mapping routing march 19th illness devastating sister held
reciprocal busloads hadassah members 400 cards sandy gerry weiss rift deep
sondheim anger breaks sister's joanna's margie distant tire outcast 2001
marry 14th reception july bureau municipal witnesses ate irish pub zweig's
leslie's rafi coming novel bear won faulkner prize fiction miami florida
international interview simply promised facilities programs technologies
funding 20012002 supposed reviewed eliminated carol damian department
veiled threats shape studio ground flooded tin warehouse airconditioner
ceiling hanging raw cement glue finished access lowgrade consumer
camcorder classes $20000 2002 daily nightly everglades roamed halls
separate shed getting mail meetings crits jacek graduate noticed
alligators larger birds periphyton trail observing invertebrates species
hemiptera prove wet overight monitor sensors appear crescendo placing
various kinds connected heart lung monitors gary wiebke shark flashlight
amazing moth residencies foofwa d'imobilite creating parables texts
reprinted echo altx books publish ondemand 2003 developed 'limelike'
complete corolla suffered mostly allergies flare unusual localized
'lowtemperature' symptom symptoms codeine medicine relieve woozy occur
third doctors diagnose psychosomatic 2004 florian cramer unstable digest
nettime email occasional collection codwork 'purged' ad hominem attacks
ken wark wayward salt poetics blazevox printondemand title wvu's
environments laboratory logical lacan motion capture 'avatar' seriously
remapping nodes 'inconceivable' configurations clothing poser blender
abstractions studies tensed halfvirtual half'real' 2005 sad sell materials
james byars need weighed short artwork find tendency whenever regrets
firemuseum central cd performing gcac lonely brush pavement troubled
unfathomable october eugene lim problems attitudes screamed sarcastic
remarks speeches upsetting situations aporia knot doublybound conceivable
resolution closeness stay pattern starts residency santa ana frequency vlf
produced ranging explored bolsa chica wetlands release toad wild
constructed complex avatars integrated included nude harsh selfloathing
selfish six formally raptor sanctuary annie slowly releasing hacking watch
kestrel absolutely perched electrical field worldpivot headache gary's
hammering leak leaked seeping mortar stained windows mold anything's
periods scenarios involving scenery background form mocap exhibited
track16 gallery la such blessing barry sugarman suicide he's johnson's
sanity pressure joblessness relations health healthcare lack nightmares
public tonic recording alpine zither extensively guitars blog hungry ghost
baldwin inspired theoretical essays analog digital defuge track 16 monica
thornton embedded features 12 channels videoaudio including five
projections deals war encapsulation distorted avatar sexualized scandal
alps aletsch glacier gruyere prealps geneva sublime representation rather
hermeneutics $84000 debt azure's loans selling sleepless worse brain
twitches medications aspirin welbutrin cholesterol dancepiece geneve
incidence twice preceded maud liardon dropped lausanne performance
betrayed dancers bourgeoisie incidences brilliant skinn harmonica portable
chromatic scale classical parlor crepuscletwilight danse creates tremors
grutli lasts 41 minutes youtube nikukoblogspotcom increasingly unravel
recent earthquake taiwan locally havoc spam abject illegality particularly
vicious eaten willingly sight jordan flock 10000 starlings largest ibis
greater dusk roaring planes envied evident communality mentallyimpaired
blame dosage naked penis crippled known personality disorder partially ego
neuras thenic freudianwise disasters suicides rages wars angers limit walk
teeters fury daring visit aunt brooklyn heron inhabitants prefer spite
you're likely dolmens stonedstony isolation saves incessant devastation
2007 memo memorial memorygraph meme remembrance reminiscence mnemonic
skitters backandforth remains undone dissolving cold rain biogtxt
skittering phrase makes resol utions scattered represents inhabited
dreamed inhabiting corral scattering material proust yet shatter imminent
conceived familiar cherished pages becomes debris torn asunder wounded
falls rebuilt remnant coherency infinite richness devolve momentarily sunk
language except forgets shattering releases substance sun inclement
yesterday cusp announcement 3kth soldier iraq crashing false resurrection
orders commands odds 7 shaking adrenalin surging ruined tonight leather
bound codex laws indexed switch stores landscape ocean dark grey poisonous
sky darker littered twised ruins earth climb embankment stairs marshgrass
woke breathe certain scapes partly devastated spit scrub sand meandering
atlantic houses top cliff rhode airliner crashed spilling racks posters
bands lives places won't recourse distort wellbeing damage backgrounds
desolation foregrounds sunless emptied fallen subterfuge coupled inviolate
targeted occurred they've choice horror inconceivably inescapable
shuddering shivering chance


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